


Cold As Ice

by Longitudinalwave



Series: The Flash: Onstage [6]
Category: The Flash (Comics), The Flash - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:21:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28463745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Longitudinalwave/pseuds/Longitudinalwave
Summary: Captain Cold isn't as young as he used to be.
Series: The Flash: Onstage [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084241
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Cold As Ice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dillonmania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dillonmania/gifts), [Swashbuckler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swashbuckler/gifts).



> Hi! Thanks for checking out my story!
> 
> The story doesn't fit into any particular canon; I hope it's enjoyable regardless.

~~_**The Flash**_~~ **Captain Cold** stars in **: Cold As Ice**

**Dramatis Personae**

**Captain Cold,** the pragmatic, constantly grumpy leader of the Rogues, alias Leonard Snart

**Pied Piper,** a Robin Hood-esque thief, alias Hartley Rathaway

**Heat Wave,** the dimwitted but surprisingly friendly pyromaniac, alias Mick Rory

**Iris Allen,** the daredevil reporter who is also the wife of Barry Allen

**Mirror Master II,** an extremely odd, extremely Scottish criminal, alias Evan McCulloch

**Script**

Act I 

_ (Captain Cold is onstage. Enter Heat Wave)  _

**Heat Wave:** Captain Cold! It’s so good to see ya!  _ (Hugs Cold)  _

**Captain Cold:** Two words, Mick: Personal. Space. 

**Heat Wave:** Oh. Sorry, boss. I just got excited.  _ (Releases Cold)  _ It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Are you okay, buddy? Where’ve you been? 

**Captain Cold:** Mainly, the prison infirmary. Got double pneumonia, and somethin’ called septic shock along with it, so I was in there for like a month. And then my ulcer started actin’ up again, so I was there for even longer. And THEN I had appendicitis on top of everything else. So, long story short, I was stuck in there until last week, and I only escaped two days ago.

**Heat Wave:** Oh, so THAT’s why I couldn’t find you! 

**Captain Cold:** Yeah, that would probably be why.  _ (Pause)  _ What happened while I was out? I spent most of my time in the infirmary coughing, vomiting, or unconscious, so I wasn’t able to keep track of nothing. 

**Heat Wave:** Well, the Trickster’s back in town, Captain Boomerang’s broken leg is healed, and your sister and the Top are in Hawaii for the fifth anniversary of their first date. 

**Captain Cold:** WHAT?    
**Heat Wave:** Don’t worry, boss. I’m sure they’ll be back soon. 

**Captain Cold:** That’s not what I’m worried about. 

**Heat Wave:** Then what are you worried about? It’s not like they’re chasing tornadoes or anything.

**Captain Cold:** I’m  _ worried  _ about what that stuck-up snob might do to my baby sister when I’m not there to protect her. He thinks people like us are trash, and it would be just like him to decide that she’s not worthy of his affections and dump her. I don’t want her to get hurt like that.

_ (Enter Pied Piper)  _

**Heat Wave:** Boss, the Top wouldn’t do that. He’s our friend.

**Captain Cold:** No, he ain’t. He’s an arrogant creep who thinks he’s better than us. 

**Heat Wave:** If you say so, boss.  _ (Notices Piper)  _ Boss, look who’s here! It’s the Pied Piper! I’ve been trying to find him for weeks!  _ (To Piper)  _ Hiya, little buddy! 

**Pied Piper:** _ (Slightly surprised)  _ Hello, Mick. It’s a pleasure to see you.

**Heat Wave:** How are you?   
**Pied Piper:** Homeless. Again. You see, I was going to get a nice little cottage in the suburbs somewhere, but then I ran into a very pregnant woman whose husband had just lost his job, so I had to give her some money, and then I met a poor little boy who really wanted a football, so I bought it for him, and then I stumbled upon a youth center that was about to close for lack of funds, so I gave them some money, and then I met a really nice old lady who needed an operation that she couldn’t afford, so I gave her some money, and then I heard about a flood in India, and so I had to donate some money to that cause, and then I met a family with a little girl who needed a wheelchair, so I gave her some money, and then I was broke, so I couldn’t buy the cottage. 

**Heat Wave:** I can give you some money, little buddy. 

**Captain Cold:** Don’t bother. He’ll just give that away, too.  _ (To Piper)  _ Kid, how many times do we have to go over this? You ain’t rich no more. If you don’t wanna be homeless, you have to keep some of the money you steal for yourself. 

**Pied Piper:** I can’t do that! I spent the first twenty years of my life in palatial luxury. If I’m going without now, it’s only fair. My family has utterly ignored the plight of the poor in this city, and if I have to be homeless to make things right, so be it! 

**Captain Cold:** You’re crazy.  _ (Pause)  _ When was the last time you ate, kid? You’re so thin I can see your ribs! 

**Pied Piper:** Um ...three days ago? I think? 

**Captain Cold:** Three days ago? Are you tryin’ to kill yourself? You ain’t used to bein’ cold and hungry. If you keep this up, one of these days the Flash is gonna be arresting your corpse! 

**Heat Wave:** The boss is right, little buddy. It ain’t healthy to starve yourself to help people. 

**Pied Piper:** I wasn’t  _ planning _ to not eat for three days. It just happened. 

**Captain Cold:** Then plan better, you idiot! 

**Heat Wave:** _ (pulls out granola bar)  _ Here, little buddy. 

**Pied Piper:** Thank you, Mick.  _ (Takes bar, eats ravenously) _ Do you have more?   
**Heat Wave:** No...but I can take you to lunch with me. 

**Pied Piper:** That would be nice….

**Heat Wave:** Okay! Then let’s go eat! I’ve found a really great new barbeque chicken place!

**Captain Cold:** And by really great, you mean “full of chicken so spicy that no normal person can eat it”. 

**Heat Wave:** Oh, yeah. I didn’t think about that.  _ (Pause)  _ Okay, how about we go to Steak ‘n’ Shake? I love their sandwiches. 

**Captain Cold:** After three months of eating the stuff they give you in the infirmary? That’d be good. They have some great milkshakes. 

**Pied Piper:** Right now, I’m so hungry that I could probably eat dog food. I’m happy with anything that won’t make my mouth catch on fire. 

**Heat Wave:** Okay, then let’s go! I can’t wait to talk with you guys and catch you up on what you’ve missed while you were gone! 

Act II 

_ (Iris is onstage)  _

**Iris:** I’ll say this for being a superhero’s wife-it gets you the best stories! Unless I miss my guess, the information Animal Man gave me will get me on the front page. Why, this is the biggest government cover-up since Watergate! Just wait until Barry hears about this! He’ll be so proud! Maybe it’ll even cheer him up a bit.  _ (Pause)  _ Poor Barry. He just hasn’t been the same since Abra Kadabra stole his super speed. I hope Wally’s mission to get it back is successful, because he feels so bad about not being able to help people as the Flash.  _ (Pause)  _ Oh, well. Worrying about it won’t help, so I’ll just go back to my investigation. Watch out, bad guys-Iris Allen is on your case! 

_ (Enter Evan McCulloch, the second Mirror Master)  _

**Evan McCulloch:** Howzitgoan, Mrs. Allen? 

**Iris:** _ (Spins around)  _ Who are you? And how did you get in here? 

**Evan McCulloch:** My name is Evan; Evan McCulloch. As for your second question: well, I’ll give you a wee hint: it’s all done with mirrors. 

**Iris:** With mirrors?  _ (Pause)  _ You’re a Mirror Master, aren’t you? 

**Evan McCulloch:** Mirror Master? That’s a well good name, but up until now it wasnae mine.

**Iris:** But you can use mirrors as weapons or for transportation? 

**Evan McCulloch:** Aye. Wasnae aware doing that came with a title. 

**Iris:** My husband’s a superhero, and he fights a criminal named Sam Scudder, who calls himself the Mirror Master. By all appearances, you’re using his tech, but the only people who have access to any of it-besides Scudder himself, unfortunately-work for the government. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Aye. How do ye think I got ahold of it? 

**Iris:** _ You  _ work for the government? 

**Evan McCulloch:** Officially, nae. They’ve made it well clear that if I get lifted, they’ll deny that they had anything tae do with me. 

**Iris:** So you’re working for the government. 

**Evan McCulloch:** They’re paying me, aye. Ye see, in Glasgow, I had a reputation for making people's ...problems… disappear, and apparently your government decided that I’d be useful in making their problems disappear. 

**Iris:** And I’m a problem?   
**Evan McCulloch:** Aye. Certain members of your government will be in big trouble if ye reveal what they’ve been up tae, so they told me to make sure that ye cannae tell anyone about what ye’ve found. 

**Iris:** My husband and nephew are superheroes. If anything happens to me, you’ll answer for it. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Calmy doony. I’m nae here tae kill ye. I’m nae saint, but I’m nae going to kill a woman, especially nae tae keep a secret that will come out anyway. 

**Iris:** Then why  _ are  _ you here? 

**Evan McCulloch:** Tae warn ye. I’m nae the only dangerous man on their payroll. They need ye silenced, so when I refused to kill ye, they sent another man. 

**Iris :** Forgive me if I’m less than convinced that your intentions are benevolent. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Nae danger. But I’d still advise ye tae come with me.

**Iris:** I’m licensed to carry a gun. I think that I can handle myself now that I’m forewarned. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Not against the man they’re sending. I’m nae the only one they gave well dangerous technology, ye ken? 

**Iris:** Is that so? Then I think I’ll borrow this!  _ (Grabs mirror and disappears)  _

**Evan McCulloch:** Jings! She’s clever, isnae she?  _ (Shakes head)  _ I’d better follow her. She’s brave, but she does nae ken what’s after her. 

_ (Exit Evan)  _

Act III

_ (Pied Piper, Heat Wave, and Captain Cold are onstage)  _

**Heat Wave:** Are you feeling better, little buddy? 

**Pied Piper:** Yes, and thank you. 

**Heat Wave:** You’re welcome.  _ (Pause)  _ By the way, do you know when Golden Glider and the Top are coming back from their vacation? 

**Pied Piper:** Wait. You didn’t hear? 

**Heat Wave:** Hear what? 

**Pied Piper:** The Top and Golden Glider never went on vacation. They’ve been in Central City the whole time. James even told me that he, Sam, and Mark did a heist with the Top. 

**Heat Wave:** They’re still in Central City? 

**Pied Piper:** It seems that way, yes. 

**Captain Cold:** Then where’s my sister? 

**Pied Piper:** That’s the thing: no one knows. James said that he never saw her-although he does think that the Top knows where she is. 

**Captain Cold:** If he’s hurt her, I’ll kill him! 

**Pied Piper:** Captain Cold, the Top worships your sister. He would never hurt her. 

**Captain Cold:** Then where is she, and why isn’t she with him? 

**Heat Wave:** You know, boss, just because your sister’s not in our immediate line of sight doesn’t mean that she’s in trouble. She can take care of herself. After all, up until a few years ago, we only saw her a few times a year. 

**Captain Cold:** She wasn’t dating the Top or a member of the Rogues until a few years ago either. 

**Heat Wave:** So, uh, why don’t you just call her if you’re that worried about her, boss? 

**Captain Cold:** Don’t be stupid, Mick.  _ (Long pause)  _ Hey, I’ve got it! I can just call Lisa and make sure she’s okay! 

**Heat Wave:** You’re so smart, boss.

**Pied Piper:** Wait...didn’t you just say that Mick was being stupid for suggesting that idea?

**Captain Cold:** We’ll talk about it later.  _ (Pulls out phone, dials number. Pause)  _ Lisa! Hi! It’s so good to hear from you!  _ (Pause)  _ I was in the prison infirmary. I had double pneumonia, septic shock, and appendicitis. Oh, and my ulcer acted up some, too. What have you been doing?  _ (Pause)  _ You’re doing  _ what? _ Why?  _ (Pause)  _ He’s sick, too? What are the odds? Do you know what his problem is? Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh. Yes, I’m sure you’ll get whatever it is he needs to get better.  _ (Pause)  _ No, I don’t want him dead. I hate his guts, but for some mysterious reason he makes you happy, so I want him to stay alive.  _ (Pause)  _ Have you been feeling all right? Has anyone tried to hurt you? No? Good.  _ (Pause)  _ Are you  _ sure _ ?  _ (Pause)  _ Okay, okay, I’ll stop asking. Good luck, little sis. I love you. Good-bye.  _ (Puts phone away)  _ My little sister’s a genius. 

**Heat Wave:** Where’s she been? 

**Captain Cold:** Apparently, her snob of a boyfriend is dying, and the only cure is at CCPD headquarters, so she’s posing as a police scientist named Patty Spivot in order to steal it. She’s even befriended Barry Allen! I’m so proud of her. 

**Heat Wave:** Aww, that’s adorable! I always knew that little Lisa was one smart cookie. 

_ (Iris appears in the background, then disappears again)  _

**Pied Piper:** So, um, now that we’ve finished eating, are we going to do something, or are we just going to go our separate ways?

**Captain Cold:** I’m not going to lead a heist today, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m still too far behind on recent events right now. 

_ (Enter Evan McCulloch) _

**Evan McCulloch:** Have any of ye seen a bonny woman with red hair around here? 

**Captain Cold:** Who are you? And where did you come from?

**Evan McCulloch:** I dinnae have time for that right now! I need tae make sure that a hitman does nae kill a woman named Iris Allen! 

**Pied Piper:** Iris Allen? The wife of the Flash?

**Evan McCulloch:** Aye, that’s the one. 

**Captain Cold:** AGGH!  _ (Collapses)  _

**Heat Wave:** Boss, what’s wrong? 

**Captain Cold:** I ...I think it’s my ulcer. My stomach is-ARGH!-killing me! 

**Heat Wave:** Bros befores wives of heroes, random guy! I’ve gotta get my boss to the hospital, so we can’t help you save Iris. Sorry. I’ll buy you dinner later to make up for it if you want.

**Captain Cold:** I’m-UGH!-fine, Heat Wave!

**Heat Wave:** No, you’re not, boss. You just collapsed, and you’re obviously in pain. We are going to the hospital. 

**Pied Piper:** Can you get him to the hospital without me? 

**Heat Wave:** Yeah. Why? 

**Pied Piper:** Because Iris Allen is an amazing woman who definitely deserves my help. 

**Heat Wave:** I guess I can get Captain Cold to the hospital on my own. So yeah, if you wanna go help the Flash’s wife, I guess you can.

**Pied Piper:** Great.  _ (To Evan)  _ I’ll help you. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Ah’m glad for your help, wee man in green. Now brace yourself. Traveling through Wonderland is well tricky at first. 

**Pied Piper:** What’s Wonderla-AAAH!

_ (Evan McCulloch and Pied Piper disappear)  _

**Heat Wave:** _ (Pulls out phone and dials)  _ Hello? Operator? My friend needs an ambulance…

Act IV

_ (Enter Pied Piper and Evan McCulloch)  _

**Pied Piper:** Could you give me a little warning the next time you pull me through the Mirror Realm? 

**Evan McCulloch:** The Mirror Realm? Is that what ye call Wonderland? 

**Pied Piper:** No, it’s what the Mirror Master calls “Wonderland”. How did you get ahold of his technology, anyway? And who are you? 

**Evan McCulloch:** Evan. Evan McCulloch. I was given the tech by members of the US Government who are buried so deep in a scandal they’ll do anything tae keep it covered. They hired me tae kill Iris Allen, but I refused, so I dinnae think they’re still paying me. In fact, if I’m nae careful, they might try tae off me tae cover all their loose ends. Who are ye? 

**Pied Piper:** I’m the Pied Piper, one of the Rogues. The other two men you saw with me are Heat Wave, another member of the group, and Captain Cold, our leader. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Rogues? 

**Pied Piper:** Yes. We’re a group of thieves who work together to fight the Flash.

**Evan McCulloch:** What sort of thieves are so concerned about each others’ health that they’ll call ambulances for each other? 

**Pied Piper:** I don’t know. What sort of hired gun refuses to kill a target and then goes out of his way to warn her about the planned assassination?

**Evan McCulloch:** Point taken, laddie. I’d like tae be in a group like that. I have nae been able tae trust anyone since I left Mrs. McCulloch, and it’d be nice tae not have tae watch my back all the time, ye ken? 

**Pied Piper:** You abandoned your wife? 

**Evan McCulloch:** I dinnae have a wife. Mrs. McCulloch ran the orphanage where I grew up. She’s the closest thing I have tae a mother. 

**Pied Piper:** My apologies. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Nae danger. Ye didn’t ken. 

**Pied Piper:** Well, if you really want to join the Rogues, you’ll probably have to ask Captain Cold. He’s the one who makes the final decisions about who becomes a member of the group.  _ (Pause)  _ Oh, and you’ll also have to come up with a supervillain name. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Oh, I’ve already got one. I can be the Mirror Master. 

**Pied Piper:** I don’t think Sam will like that. It’s bad enough that you’re using his gear. I don’t think he’d take very kindly to you taking his name, too. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Then I’ll call myself Mirror Master II. 

**Pied Piper:** That would probably just make him angrier. 

**Evan McCulloch:** Well, if he makes a fuss aboot it, I’ll just punch him. 

**Pied Piper:** _ (Aside)  _ If nothing else, he’ll fit in well.  _ (To Evan)  _ Why don’t we talk more about potential names later? 

**Evan McCulloch:** That would be fine, aye. 

**Pied Piper:** Good. So where do you think Iris is going? 

_ (Enter Iris)  _

**Iris:** Hello, Evan. Hello, Pied Piper. What are you doing here?

**Pied Piper:** I’m helping Evan rescue you, I think. 

**Iris:** That’s sweet of you, Hartley, but I don’t need rescuing. Thanks to the Mirror Gun, I took out my would-be assassin, and Jay’s taking him to jail right now. Now I just need to finish writing my article, and I can put this whole mess behind me.

**Pied Piper:** Well, I’m very glad you’re alright, Mrs. Allen. Good luck with your expose. I’m sure it will have the high quality of all your work. 

**Iris:** Thanks, Piper.

**Evan McCulloch:** _ (Aside)  _ If she defeated that assassin, we’d better get oot of here before she defeats us, tae. After all, we aren’t exactly innocent ourselves.  _ (Aloud)  _ In that case, my work here is doon. Ta!  _ (Evan grabs the Mirror Gun, then grabs Piper, and both disappear)  _

**Iris:** Looks like I’d better tell Barry, Wally, and Jay that the Rogues have a new member. Hmmm ...that could actually be a story all on its own! If I play my cards right, I could have two award winning stories and help defeat two separate groups of bad guys all from one investigation. This is awesome! I love it when I help my loved ones bring justice.  _ (Pause)  _ I should probably get back home, though. Those stories aren’t going to write themselves!

_ (Exit Iris)  _

Act V

_ (Captain Cold is lying down onstage; Heat Wave is standing by him)  _

**Heat Wave:** You feeling better, boss? 

**Captain Cold:** A little. I can’t believe that my stupid ulcer put me in the hospital twice in less than three months! 

**Heat Wave:** Maybe it’s all the stress in your life. I’ve heard that stress makes ulcers worse, and your job is really stressful. Maybe you should take a vacation. 

**Captain Cold:** And let the Top run the Rogues into the ground? Not a chance. 

**Heat Wave:** It wouldn’t have to be for very long ...just a couple of days, maybe. 

**Captain Cold:** I’m not taking a vacation, and that’s final!

**Heat Wave:** I guess you know best, boss. If you don’t want to take a vacation, you don’t have to.

_ (Enter Evan McCulloch and Pied Piper)  _

**Pied Piper:** Hello, Mick. Hello, Captain Cold. 

**Heat Wave:** Hi, little buddy! How’d the rescue go? 

**Pied Piper:** As it turned out, she rescued herself, so our presence turned out to be completely superfluous. That being said, I think I did find us a potential new member of the Rogues. His name is Evan McCulloch, and he wants to be part of a group that he knows will have his back.

**Evan McCulloch:** Howzitgoan?

**Heat Wave:** Hi, Evan! I’m Heat Wave, but you can call me Mick Rory. Where are you from? 

**Evan McCulloch:** Glasgow, Scotland. The city of culture! 

**Heat Wave:** Oh, so that’s why you sound so funny.  _ (To Captain Cold)  _ Can he stay, Captain Cold? Please? He’s funny sounding, and I like him. 

**Captain Cold:** I can see that you have Mirror Master’s gear. The original is one of my best friends, and I don’t think he’d like you using his tech. That being said, my health hasn’t been great lately, so we could probably use another guy with his powers in the case of an emergency.  _ (Pause)  _ All right, Scostman, you’re in…...but you’re on probation until I say otherwise. 

**Evan McCulloch:** That’s good eno for me, Captain Cold. 

**Captain Cold:** In that case, your first job is to help me find the other Rogues. When we face the Flashes next, I want to be as well prepared as possible. 

**Pied Piper:** Well, if everything is all right here, then I will be going. You know where to find me if you need me, and this city has a lot of people who need my help. 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks for reading.


End file.
